Halloween is a little over a week away. And what do I have planned? Nothing.
Usually I would spend halloween doing a bit of trick or treating even though, yes, I may be "too old." I say nay to that. But anyways, this year, is to be crap. It would be a perfect halloween this year if I was in Eugene since it's on a friday night, which means optimum hangout time. Me and rachel and holly and jordan and zoe and alex and william would probably go someplace random and do whatever random stuff we do until however late we felt like. But that will not be happening. Because I am 700 miles away.
Why don't I hang out with my new friends for halloween? Because I have none. I, Alyssa, have no friends. The only two friends I have in town go to another school, I've known them since I was born and my family is their family and their family is my family. But they actually have friends. Friends that they probably plan to hang out with on Halloween and dress up and have fun doing whatever. So I am not even going to mention halloween to them because their mom will make them feel obligated to invite me to spend halloween with them which none of us would enjoy since I don't know their friends and even if I did I probably wouldn't be friends with their friends since we are very different people. Yes me and them are very close, even though we are very different people, but I don't really think I want to spend my halloween trying to break the ice with a bunch of people I don't know who will probably look me up and down and say lyke omgz i have to pretend to like this girl? no offense to their friends, I'm sure they're perfectly fine people. But they will all be having a ton of fun because they are a close group of friends. and if I were them I wouldn't want to have to spend my halloween trying to make my out-of-state friend feel comfortable around my friends and visa-versa and trying to make the whole night un-awkward. Which if we were obligated into spending the evening together it would be guaranteed to be just that.
So, Halloween shall be spent alone. My dad will probably spend the days prior trying to get me to think of something fun we could do together on halloween, which I will decline. I will sit on the couch, eat candy, and watch a movie maybe, although then my dad would probably come and sit and watch it and try and bond and stuff. So maybe not. Watching a movie alone is depressing anyways, or at least in my circumstances. It would be like having a birthday party by yourself.
Loner.
So, obviously, I have yet to make friends. I have people I talk to during class and we're close during class (not an amigo closeness, but like the same closeness and hang-outness that you have with all the kids youve been going to school with for a while and are pretty chill with), I just wouldn't hang out with those people outside of class probably. I had high hopes of making friends at dance, but I've taken 6 classes already and I am just starting to talk once in a while during class with one or two people. The rest of them seem pretty set in their groups.
There are people I see at school who I think hey I could be friends with them, one of which I see every other day (due to evert-other-day block schedule), though she's not in any of my classes. We do have PE during the same period though so we're always in the locker room at the same time getting dressed down and dressed up. It's kind of a funny story actually since wherever we go we always see eachother. It's become a joke between us how whenever we turn around its like oh heeeeyy!! Nice to see you.. again!! But she's really nice, and we have a lot of really random stuff in common, which we figured out one day in a really wierd conversation that we found pretty funny, though you had to be there. She always says hi when we see eachother and she always asks how I am and I don't know I think we could be friends. It's just alot harder to try and become friends with someone in a new school when you don't have any classes together. I shall make it happen..
In dance there are some really nice people, and overall they seem pretty accepting. That's a good thing since that's not always the case. It's always wierd when you're in a studio together forever and it gets to be a pretty tight-knit group since you see eachother practically every day, and then all the sudden a new person comes in. So I'm thankful that they're nice to me, or at least some of them have made an effort to talk to me. One girl in paticular, who is a redhead which depresses me because Rachel is a redhead and I miss her like crazy, has been very nice to me. In class yesterday since the teacher wasn't there and the class was being directed by older students who serve as assistants, instead of learning a combo we were put in groups of 4 and made our own short little dances to Disturbia. I was put in her group (I really need to ask her her name on Thursday) and there were two other girls, one who I don't know and the other who I have talked to before and who seems nice. The redhead and I did all the choreographing, and she's really good at that because she's a very pretty dancer. She seemed genuinely interested in trying to be kind and accepting to me and getting to know me and we seem to get along and we talked for a moment after class and said our goodbyes. All I know is that she's a sophomore, but I don't know where she goes to school. I don't think she seems like a kid that goes to my school, and I haven't run into her, though that's no indicator since there's almost 3000 students at my huge school. Anyways, I think we'll either become good pals or pretty good amigos. Either way it's a nice thing to have so I'm not completely alone in this town.
The friending situation really is a problem though since I've been here for a month and a half. Whenever I tell people I have no friends (even after a couple weeks of being there) they are suprised and I feel like a complete loser because I can tell they're like oh what a poor girl. I'm not a complete social cripple I'm a perfectly fine person. It's just an especially hard experience and hard to step into someone's circle of friends and trust it's someone I can get along with when I'm so used to having such an incredibly tight-knit group of best best best friends. I hope it gets better.
I am also disgustingly homesick these days. I cried myself to sleep last night, only my second time crying since we moved I think (that's strange for me). I was mainly just thinking of my friends and how badly I just wanted to see their faces. It sounds strange, but people take for granted having friends they can see and sit with and just physically be around. Like I just want to see them and be able to touch their faces and know they'll always be there for me to see.
Whenever rachel gets really excited about something, she punches me in the arm really really hard and makes a really funny face and laughs and says "Alyssaaaa!!! oh my gosh I'm - so- exc-ited!", "Alyssaaaa!! That makes me soo-oo-ooo happy!!", "Alyssaaaa!! oh my gosh this is soo-oo-o goo-oo-ood!!" and she clenches and shakes her fists.
I miss being punched. I miss the sound of her voice and counting the millions of freckles on her arms and legs and face and how she always gets so excited when she notices a new cluster-colony of them, and she always wears her green running shorts, and sings disturbia.
Goodness I'm homesick.
I'm going through withdrawals, seeing peoples faces everywhere, dreaming about Eugene.
There is a possibility I will not be able to come up to Eugene for New Years.
And my mom might not let me come up in march to watch the dance team win state.
I can't last until summer to see their faces.
I honestly believe it is a matter of my mental health.
I cannot last until summer, I will not be mentally healthy by summer.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Dance: the 3 and the 4.
I have now taken 4 dance classes.
After taking Jackie's class for the first time, I felt decent about it. The monday after that thursday I had my first class with sue as an official estudiante de la dance studio of fresno. The class was not as bad as last time, though still hard. The main reason it was so hard the first time I took sue's class was A) we did alot of conditioning that day, B) it was intimidating being in a school with all new people who have all been taking class together forever and all the sudden I show up, especially since theyre all good C) I psyched myself out alot. This time it was still challenging, which was good, but not quite as horrible.
Instead of doing a bunch of conditioning we just did a stretch with a bit of conditioning, so good thing I always take 45 mins to stretch and warmup before I leave for dance, and then we started. We did across the floor and a combo. The combo was challenging, but some of it I at least had a handle on. Of course I wasn't pulling triples like some of the girls in the class cuz turns are one of my (many) weaknesses. But all of the out-of-this-world insanely good dancers weren't there, like Mr. Ohhotdamn wasn't there. I think that's because the first time I took it they had combined the 6:30 and 8:00 classes into one long class, and the 8:00 class has all the really good people in it. So now that I think about it... Mr. Ohhotdamn isn't gonna be in my class...
:(
Anyways, that's good I guess because I won't be so self concious about looking like a fool cuz him and his bad self won't be watching me while he's pulling out like 5,000 turns in a row...
Then I had another class with Jackie this thursday, and it went really well. Blah blah conditioning was hard and all but it was a bit more of a challenge than last week so that was really good, and I had a pretty good handle on the combo we did. It was an uber fun combo too. Because Jackie injects so much free movement inbetween technique it just makes it fun, and the movement she does has kind of an afro-modern feel, with a bit of a hip hop, jazzy twist every once in a while, which I really enjoy. I just like the free feeling she puts into alot of the stuff we do. We'll do like technique turns and jetes and randomly we'll just break down into some collapsed turn or just have to like ooze or something. It's so good. It started out with an attitude turn, except it wasn't a turn really because instead of turning you collapse out of it and do like the first half of an arm wave and push your leg and spin it off into a ramb de jambe that flows into a kind of extension that pulls you into a run/walk thing were you kind of wiggle a bit and your arm does a crooked prep into a double turn that kicks out around to the back and your body whiplashes and sinks and takes you down to a lunge and you go wooooop over and roll on the ground and stand up and then to a chaine into a jete (which was hard for me cuz i suck at turning jetes) and then you stop and hit a wall and kind of ooze and then you step and you do a double butt-to head turn and wooosh and your arms stay backwards aaand youre done. Soooo goood....
I'm way excited for that class just because I enjoy it so much and I really like Jackie and the stuff she does. And I feel confident about it because I'm def not the worst one and I got made an example of during the combo cuz I did well...
:)
For realz, its pretty bueno.
After taking Jackie's class for the first time, I felt decent about it. The monday after that thursday I had my first class with sue as an official estudiante de la dance studio of fresno. The class was not as bad as last time, though still hard. The main reason it was so hard the first time I took sue's class was A) we did alot of conditioning that day, B) it was intimidating being in a school with all new people who have all been taking class together forever and all the sudden I show up, especially since theyre all good C) I psyched myself out alot. This time it was still challenging, which was good, but not quite as horrible.
Instead of doing a bunch of conditioning we just did a stretch with a bit of conditioning, so good thing I always take 45 mins to stretch and warmup before I leave for dance, and then we started. We did across the floor and a combo. The combo was challenging, but some of it I at least had a handle on. Of course I wasn't pulling triples like some of the girls in the class cuz turns are one of my (many) weaknesses. But all of the out-of-this-world insanely good dancers weren't there, like Mr. Ohhotdamn wasn't there. I think that's because the first time I took it they had combined the 6:30 and 8:00 classes into one long class, and the 8:00 class has all the really good people in it. So now that I think about it... Mr. Ohhotdamn isn't gonna be in my class...
:(
Anyways, that's good I guess because I won't be so self concious about looking like a fool cuz him and his bad self won't be watching me while he's pulling out like 5,000 turns in a row...
Then I had another class with Jackie this thursday, and it went really well. Blah blah conditioning was hard and all but it was a bit more of a challenge than last week so that was really good, and I had a pretty good handle on the combo we did. It was an uber fun combo too. Because Jackie injects so much free movement inbetween technique it just makes it fun, and the movement she does has kind of an afro-modern feel, with a bit of a hip hop, jazzy twist every once in a while, which I really enjoy. I just like the free feeling she puts into alot of the stuff we do. We'll do like technique turns and jetes and randomly we'll just break down into some collapsed turn or just have to like ooze or something. It's so good. It started out with an attitude turn, except it wasn't a turn really because instead of turning you collapse out of it and do like the first half of an arm wave and push your leg and spin it off into a ramb de jambe that flows into a kind of extension that pulls you into a run/walk thing were you kind of wiggle a bit and your arm does a crooked prep into a double turn that kicks out around to the back and your body whiplashes and sinks and takes you down to a lunge and you go wooooop over and roll on the ground and stand up and then to a chaine into a jete (which was hard for me cuz i suck at turning jetes) and then you stop and hit a wall and kind of ooze and then you step and you do a double butt-to head turn and wooosh and your arms stay backwards aaand youre done. Soooo goood....
I'm way excited for that class just because I enjoy it so much and I really like Jackie and the stuff she does. And I feel confident about it because I'm def not the worst one and I got made an example of during the combo cuz I did well...
:)
For realz, its pretty bueno.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Long time no see.
For the last 4-5 years, Darcy would always occasionally pop into my mind and I'd wonder where she is now and hope that someday, by some random act of fate, I would run into her somehow and get to apologize for all I did to her. I thought that would be impossible, since she moved to the other side of the country.
Darcy was a prime selection for a lot of teasing in 6th grade. She was different than most other people, just in social ways, so people were mean to her. And I think of all the students, I was the worst to her. I am not one to be mean to people just because, and I absolutely hate when people do so or are mean to someone solely for the purpose of making themselves feel better, like they are above the person they just put down. I absolutely can't stand that. But in middle school, probably more around 6th and 7th grade, I was just that. I made fun of Darcy every day. She was homeschooled in the past (not saying all homeschooled kids are wierd, cuz I've got really close homeschooled friends.) but, Darcy was different. It's the way some homeschooled kids are (even my homeschooled friends with back this up) you know when they just don't have as much social contact with other people. Anyways, that was Darcy.
She was a very nice girl. She was polite and nice to other people, usually even when everyone in the class was ganging up on her. I don't know how she put up with it. I had a way of being mean to her and being all funny about it and the people I was with would always laugh and I'd sound so funny and superior. I had no right at all to subject her to the things I did since I was no mid-school royalty if you know what I'm saying, which is probably one of the reasons I was so cruel to her. I was incredibly insecure, just like most every girl, and I guess that's how I took it out. I had to have some channel of confidence. And making fun of Darcy was that channel.
After 6th grade, Darcy moved to Florida. It wasn't due to the teasing, that would be awfully drastic, I don't know why she moved. But, I always wondered what happened to her. I didn't dislike Darcy, I believe deep down during the days of using her as my victim of torment I actually considered her a nice human being and thought she was a good person that I didn't mind much at all, and had I possessed more compassion back then as I do now I probably would have been on good terms with her. But, the capacity to disregard her social differences was not something I had.
I remember at lunch teasing her, something to do with not wanting her to sit down at lunch with us, and so of course I was cracking jokes and making mocking excuses why she couldn't. Then there was one incedent in art class where other kids were making fun of what she was wearing. I don't remember participating, but I remember laughing hysterically at how she reacted. And I'm pretty sure one time she reacted to this one guy picking on her by telling him she was gonna fight him and putting up wimpy fists in a wierd stance. It was really funny at the time. This fed the histerics of the situation and man I never let her off the hook for that one. I probably always imitated her stance at her whenever possible.
When she moved to Florida, first of all it was during the hurricanes so I wondered whether she got trapped in her house and was killed or something dramatic like that, but I always wondered what happened to her. It wasn't until 8th grade when I fully came to terms with what an awful person I had been to her. I regretted the heck out of all the ways I wronged her. I was growing as a person and now, having much more compassion and a higher capacity of kindness, I couldn't believe I had ever been that kind of person who took such sharp jabs at someone for my own fulfillment.
For the past 4 years since 7thth grade, I have been hoping that by some wild chance I should come across her. I would hope to randomly stumble on her online or maybe she moved back to eugene (before I moved), or something. I would think of it every once in a while and think of how stupid I was to ever hurt her. It always pops into my head now and again ever since then. Even in 7th grade I began feeling awful remorse. I figured I would never get a chance to apologize and reconcile all the things I had done, and let her know I never had any right to put her through those things. But you know God, he's got an interesting way of making fate work out.
I needed a break from my homework the other day in the middle of facing the seemingly impossible task of studying for a history test that I knew practically nothing about. So I turned on my computer and hopped online. I got on facebook, looked at random stuff, and went to check my notifications. One said "Darcy ____ has commented on a photo of you." you know, how it tells you if someone comments on a pic that has you in it. Well, I always get the name Marcy and Darcy mixed up, and I know a Marcy somewhat, so I thought it was her. So I clicked on it, and it was a picture of me and my friend Holly on the last day of school in our honors english class making really wierd sexual faces that a girl in our class had taken and put on facebook. I think holly had commented on it, and below hers was a comment by Darcy. As soon as I saw her picture I knew it was her. I was shocked. She didn't really look completely the same, but I just knew it was her cuz who else would it be? She commented on it and said "I think Alyssa was in my language arts class in 6th grade, I'm pretty sure of it." I was completely blown away. After millions of years of wishing so badly that I could find her and apologize, she had just happened to two weeks prior to this occasion find my classmate online and befriend her, making it possible for me to stumble upon her profile that day. I replied back to the comment saying I remembered her and immediately friend requested her. She must have been online because it was immediately accepted, and in a couple seconds a facebook chat window was opened, by Darcy, and she said hi.
I said hi and oh my goodness its been so long, she said I looked so pretty now (which only made my guilt worse. She was such a nice person and I was so dumb.) and I said how incredibly glad I was that she commented on that picture so that I could talk to her. I told her that I've always hoped we'd run into eachother somehow and now that we did I had something very important I needed to say to her. "I'm all ears."
"Well, you know back in 6th grade when I was a really awful person to you and treated you absolutely horribly for no reason and I had no right to treat you that way but still I was just incredibly mean to you? Well, ever since then, I've felt incredibly guilty and always really hoped I'd run into you somehow so I could apologize. So, I'm sorry."
A really wierd apology. But I was so insanely happy that I had finally gotten that opportunity.
"I totally accept." were her words.
We continued to talk for a while. She asked me why I was mean to her in 6th grade, and asked me not to get upset, she was just wondering. I didn't mind. I just told her it was cuz I was a stupid little middle schooler who felt she needed to be mean to someone like that. She said it was a shame because I seem really nice now. And she bets if she still lived in Eugene we'd be friends (eehhh...). But, I said I'm sure we would have... (eehhh..)...
She said she had questions to ask me, but I had to go, so we'd talk another time. So anyways. That day was amazing. It was the wildest act of fate I have ever experienced and it happened in like 5 minutes. But now it doesn't have to keep haunting me now that I finally got to apologize for wronging her like that.
It was muy bueno.
And that's my story of making my wrongs with Darcy right.
Bueno.
Darcy was a prime selection for a lot of teasing in 6th grade. She was different than most other people, just in social ways, so people were mean to her. And I think of all the students, I was the worst to her. I am not one to be mean to people just because, and I absolutely hate when people do so or are mean to someone solely for the purpose of making themselves feel better, like they are above the person they just put down. I absolutely can't stand that. But in middle school, probably more around 6th and 7th grade, I was just that. I made fun of Darcy every day. She was homeschooled in the past (not saying all homeschooled kids are wierd, cuz I've got really close homeschooled friends.) but, Darcy was different. It's the way some homeschooled kids are (even my homeschooled friends with back this up) you know when they just don't have as much social contact with other people. Anyways, that was Darcy.
She was a very nice girl. She was polite and nice to other people, usually even when everyone in the class was ganging up on her. I don't know how she put up with it. I had a way of being mean to her and being all funny about it and the people I was with would always laugh and I'd sound so funny and superior. I had no right at all to subject her to the things I did since I was no mid-school royalty if you know what I'm saying, which is probably one of the reasons I was so cruel to her. I was incredibly insecure, just like most every girl, and I guess that's how I took it out. I had to have some channel of confidence. And making fun of Darcy was that channel.
After 6th grade, Darcy moved to Florida. It wasn't due to the teasing, that would be awfully drastic, I don't know why she moved. But, I always wondered what happened to her. I didn't dislike Darcy, I believe deep down during the days of using her as my victim of torment I actually considered her a nice human being and thought she was a good person that I didn't mind much at all, and had I possessed more compassion back then as I do now I probably would have been on good terms with her. But, the capacity to disregard her social differences was not something I had.
I remember at lunch teasing her, something to do with not wanting her to sit down at lunch with us, and so of course I was cracking jokes and making mocking excuses why she couldn't. Then there was one incedent in art class where other kids were making fun of what she was wearing. I don't remember participating, but I remember laughing hysterically at how she reacted. And I'm pretty sure one time she reacted to this one guy picking on her by telling him she was gonna fight him and putting up wimpy fists in a wierd stance. It was really funny at the time. This fed the histerics of the situation and man I never let her off the hook for that one. I probably always imitated her stance at her whenever possible.
When she moved to Florida, first of all it was during the hurricanes so I wondered whether she got trapped in her house and was killed or something dramatic like that, but I always wondered what happened to her. It wasn't until 8th grade when I fully came to terms with what an awful person I had been to her. I regretted the heck out of all the ways I wronged her. I was growing as a person and now, having much more compassion and a higher capacity of kindness, I couldn't believe I had ever been that kind of person who took such sharp jabs at someone for my own fulfillment.
For the past 4 years since 7thth grade, I have been hoping that by some wild chance I should come across her. I would hope to randomly stumble on her online or maybe she moved back to eugene (before I moved), or something. I would think of it every once in a while and think of how stupid I was to ever hurt her. It always pops into my head now and again ever since then. Even in 7th grade I began feeling awful remorse. I figured I would never get a chance to apologize and reconcile all the things I had done, and let her know I never had any right to put her through those things. But you know God, he's got an interesting way of making fate work out.
I needed a break from my homework the other day in the middle of facing the seemingly impossible task of studying for a history test that I knew practically nothing about. So I turned on my computer and hopped online. I got on facebook, looked at random stuff, and went to check my notifications. One said "Darcy ____ has commented on a photo of you." you know, how it tells you if someone comments on a pic that has you in it. Well, I always get the name Marcy and Darcy mixed up, and I know a Marcy somewhat, so I thought it was her. So I clicked on it, and it was a picture of me and my friend Holly on the last day of school in our honors english class making really wierd sexual faces that a girl in our class had taken and put on facebook. I think holly had commented on it, and below hers was a comment by Darcy. As soon as I saw her picture I knew it was her. I was shocked. She didn't really look completely the same, but I just knew it was her cuz who else would it be? She commented on it and said "I think Alyssa was in my language arts class in 6th grade, I'm pretty sure of it." I was completely blown away. After millions of years of wishing so badly that I could find her and apologize, she had just happened to two weeks prior to this occasion find my classmate online and befriend her, making it possible for me to stumble upon her profile that day. I replied back to the comment saying I remembered her and immediately friend requested her. She must have been online because it was immediately accepted, and in a couple seconds a facebook chat window was opened, by Darcy, and she said hi.
I said hi and oh my goodness its been so long, she said I looked so pretty now (which only made my guilt worse. She was such a nice person and I was so dumb.) and I said how incredibly glad I was that she commented on that picture so that I could talk to her. I told her that I've always hoped we'd run into eachother somehow and now that we did I had something very important I needed to say to her. "I'm all ears."
"Well, you know back in 6th grade when I was a really awful person to you and treated you absolutely horribly for no reason and I had no right to treat you that way but still I was just incredibly mean to you? Well, ever since then, I've felt incredibly guilty and always really hoped I'd run into you somehow so I could apologize. So, I'm sorry."
A really wierd apology. But I was so insanely happy that I had finally gotten that opportunity.
"I totally accept." were her words.
We continued to talk for a while. She asked me why I was mean to her in 6th grade, and asked me not to get upset, she was just wondering. I didn't mind. I just told her it was cuz I was a stupid little middle schooler who felt she needed to be mean to someone like that. She said it was a shame because I seem really nice now. And she bets if she still lived in Eugene we'd be friends (eehhh...). But, I said I'm sure we would have... (eehhh..)...
She said she had questions to ask me, but I had to go, so we'd talk another time. So anyways. That day was amazing. It was the wildest act of fate I have ever experienced and it happened in like 5 minutes. But now it doesn't have to keep haunting me now that I finally got to apologize for wronging her like that.
It was muy bueno.
And that's my story of making my wrongs with Darcy right.
Bueno.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Killer cold.
I have a cold.
Yesterday my nose got runny and I was kinda congested, but now I'm miserable.
I have the worst congestion headache you could ever imagine. My nose is running like a track star. For realz it PRd for sure today. Hopefully today is the climax and it goes down for school tomorrow so I don't have to get up every 5 seconds to get a cleanex. Cuz I can't stand blowing my nose infront of other people. I hate it.
I'm all full of iboprofin or however you spell it, and I'm gonna go take some sudafed in a sec cuz I'm having to get up every second to get the tissue that's on my dresser. My mom was sick end of last week or beginning of this week or something, and my friend devon was sick a big ago, and then heather caught it from her, so I caught it from noe of them or something. But man it sucks...
It's makin me real bummed.
bummed for realz.
Yesterday my nose got runny and I was kinda congested, but now I'm miserable.
I have the worst congestion headache you could ever imagine. My nose is running like a track star. For realz it PRd for sure today. Hopefully today is the climax and it goes down for school tomorrow so I don't have to get up every 5 seconds to get a cleanex. Cuz I can't stand blowing my nose infront of other people. I hate it.
I'm all full of iboprofin or however you spell it, and I'm gonna go take some sudafed in a sec cuz I'm having to get up every second to get the tissue that's on my dresser. My mom was sick end of last week or beginning of this week or something, and my friend devon was sick a big ago, and then heather caught it from her, so I caught it from noe of them or something. But man it sucks...
It's makin me real bummed.
bummed for realz.
Second dance.
I went to another dance class on Thursday. It was from a different teacher, her name was Jackie. She's prego, like my old dance coach in Oregon, whose baby I will not be there to see when it comes into the world :(
Anyways, the class was not nearly as challenging as the one I took from Sue. I'm way out of shape so the conditioning was hard, but as far as the combinations we did and the across the floor, it wasn't that challenging at all. My mom was like hon that didn't look challenging at all and she thinks it's not gonna be enough for me. Most the kids in the class were in middle school... nuf said. There was one girl my age, but she wasn't even one of the best in the class. The best in the class were in middle school. They had better technique than me (sad, I know) because I haven't actually been enrolled in legit studio classes since the summer before my freshman year (forever ago) so my technique is extremely lacking. I gained some back during the dance team days just from excercising it alot, but it hasn't grown as it needs to. Even since I left dance team when we moved, I've lost a ton of muscle mass. I just realized one day that my legs were so much weaker. I definitely realized that the day after Sue's class when I was soar. Not too soar, but soar enough that I knew I was in trouble if I didn't enroll soon.
So, I am now officially enrolled at the dance studio of fresno. I'm only taking two classes a week right now (cuz were dirt poor right now since my dad's business hasnt started yet so there is not a single source of income for our family right now. completely living off savings which there is not much of.). But I will be taking a monday class from Sue, and a thursday class from Jackie. I think I might also try Martha's class this week or next week just to try it (she was Mia Michaels assistant, so heeello that interests me..) and if I'm not completely over my head then I will add that on to my schedule once we have the money. Or if Jackie's end up being just not challenging at all and doesn't keep my attention, then I'll switch into Martha's and just have two extremely challenging classes a week. Either way, I will improve, I will get in shape, and I will be amazing.
Speaking of getting in shape, once I lose the first 10 pounds my mom is going to pay me 5 dollars for every pound I lose. Cuz lets face it, I've gotten way out of shape. It's been slowly getting out of hand since middle school, and now if I don't suck it up and make big changes, I'll be for realz way overweight by college. And I don't want that. Like I've been wanting to make a change its just hard when you're not the one buying the groceries, and if you know anything about my relationship with my parents you know that I'm definitely not one to tell them anything about my problems or make myself vulnerable to them. I would rather die than do that. But I guess now I have to since my mom came into my room last night and started giving me a serious lecture about my weight. "It's gotten to the point that you're dad gets mad at me for feeding you," she said.
Ouch.
It's for the best. I didnt' respond to her, I barely said a word the whole time she sat there and talked because I was trying not to cry. I practically ignored her and couldn't look her in the eye and just sat fiddling on the computer even though I was doing nothing. But I'll do it. Just not talk to them about it. Thank God my dad got our treadmill up and working (I guarantee he did it due to wanting me to not be his slowly-gaining little girl anymore).
Next time all the eugene kids see me, 30 pounds=gone.
And I will be $150 dollars richer for it.
Even without the money I'd do it, but hey, why not take the money?
Anyways, the class was not nearly as challenging as the one I took from Sue. I'm way out of shape so the conditioning was hard, but as far as the combinations we did and the across the floor, it wasn't that challenging at all. My mom was like hon that didn't look challenging at all and she thinks it's not gonna be enough for me. Most the kids in the class were in middle school... nuf said. There was one girl my age, but she wasn't even one of the best in the class. The best in the class were in middle school. They had better technique than me (sad, I know) because I haven't actually been enrolled in legit studio classes since the summer before my freshman year (forever ago) so my technique is extremely lacking. I gained some back during the dance team days just from excercising it alot, but it hasn't grown as it needs to. Even since I left dance team when we moved, I've lost a ton of muscle mass. I just realized one day that my legs were so much weaker. I definitely realized that the day after Sue's class when I was soar. Not too soar, but soar enough that I knew I was in trouble if I didn't enroll soon.
So, I am now officially enrolled at the dance studio of fresno. I'm only taking two classes a week right now (cuz were dirt poor right now since my dad's business hasnt started yet so there is not a single source of income for our family right now. completely living off savings which there is not much of.). But I will be taking a monday class from Sue, and a thursday class from Jackie. I think I might also try Martha's class this week or next week just to try it (she was Mia Michaels assistant, so heeello that interests me..) and if I'm not completely over my head then I will add that on to my schedule once we have the money. Or if Jackie's end up being just not challenging at all and doesn't keep my attention, then I'll switch into Martha's and just have two extremely challenging classes a week. Either way, I will improve, I will get in shape, and I will be amazing.
Speaking of getting in shape, once I lose the first 10 pounds my mom is going to pay me 5 dollars for every pound I lose. Cuz lets face it, I've gotten way out of shape. It's been slowly getting out of hand since middle school, and now if I don't suck it up and make big changes, I'll be for realz way overweight by college. And I don't want that. Like I've been wanting to make a change its just hard when you're not the one buying the groceries, and if you know anything about my relationship with my parents you know that I'm definitely not one to tell them anything about my problems or make myself vulnerable to them. I would rather die than do that. But I guess now I have to since my mom came into my room last night and started giving me a serious lecture about my weight. "It's gotten to the point that you're dad gets mad at me for feeding you," she said.
Ouch.
It's for the best. I didnt' respond to her, I barely said a word the whole time she sat there and talked because I was trying not to cry. I practically ignored her and couldn't look her in the eye and just sat fiddling on the computer even though I was doing nothing. But I'll do it. Just not talk to them about it. Thank God my dad got our treadmill up and working (I guarantee he did it due to wanting me to not be his slowly-gaining little girl anymore).
Next time all the eugene kids see me, 30 pounds=gone.
And I will be $150 dollars richer for it.
Even without the money I'd do it, but hey, why not take the money?
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Baila baila
When I got down here I really really wanted to get straight into dance classes. So far that has not happened.
There's a really good studio here, called dance studio of fresno. They have tons of connections with Mia Michaels (my iidoooollll) and Tyce Diorio (second fave choreographer, next to mia michaels of course.). I freaked when I heard about that and I was like oh my gosh I've gotta go there. On the tuesday of my first week of school I went in and talked to the lady who owns it (who is like really good friends with mia michaels or something) and watched one of the classes. The lady who was teaching the class used to be mia michael's assistant and I think she was on so you think you can dance one time cuz she was like.... assisting her. Anyways, the class was hecka good. They were all like crazy good like on their way to so you think you can dance and stuff. I had heard that the studio has a competition contemporary team, and I was really interested in that and I wanted to audition cuz auditions were like the next week. But then the owner pointed out two people in the class who were on the team or were at the level of the team, and I was like oh crap. Cuz they were the best ones. I was super intimidated.
The next week, on thursday, I went in to try a class that was being taught by the owner (Sue). It was a jazz class, and I figured it would be really challenging, but oh man oh man oh man....
First of all, about two minutes into the warmup and I was dying. I hadn't danced in 3 weeks and I was totally not ready for that. I hadn't sweat that much since state season. Like 6 months ago. I seriously just wanted to cry. I looked completely retarded compared to some of the people in that class. Not to mention there was Mr. Ohhotdamn.
His name says it all.
Oh. Hot. Damn. I was in love. I'm just not gonna say his name... but I guess he was probably part black and he was HEEECKA good. He was like super talented and hilarious and he was like doing hip hop in the back of the line during across the floor and I was like ooooooooooh loooooorddyyyy....
I pretty much want to marry him.
But anyways, pretty much everyone in the class was super talented. To be honest I wasn't the worst off. There were two other girls that I thought, well heck, I've got to be at least better than them. But there were a few people where I was like holy crap you're like a million times better than everyone here...
Across the floor was embarrasing. Not everything we did I was completely clueless at, but some stuff I was an absolute fool. There was one move we did where only a few people did it amazing (Mr. Ohhotdamn being one of them...) and most people had a general idea, but then there was some of us (of course including me...) who were like what the heck my body doesn't move that way...
It was this thing that was like half way kind of like a barrel role and I don't know kind of like something else... But it was impossible.
Now, the class was supposed to end at 8:00, but since auditions for their competition teams were starting that weekend they had combined the 6:30 class and the 8:00 class and it was kind of like a class to prep them for auditions. Now I didn't know that that also meant they'd be going twice as long. After across the floor we started learning a variation that wasn't necessarily challenging technique wise, but it was fast and I was only picking up on the first half. Then it got into this turn sequence that ran into these backward runs that were kinda half grand jetes (which I am now obsessed with) and right before the turns is where I'd get lost. (Not to mention Mr. Ohhotdamn was behind me and I was hecka embarrassed...) Right as we were splitting into groups to run the variation I noticed it was 8:35, and I had hecka homework. Also I just wanted a reason to slip out early. I looked outside the door and my mom was there, and I saw my chance to wimp out. I told Sue I had to go and that I didn't know it was running later (which was true cuz I had hecka homework since I was still catching up on the first 3 weeks of school and I really should have gone anyways). She asked if I could just run through the variation once since my group was about to go but I thanked her and said no I have to go, but I would be back to take another class at another time. Yes, partially wimping out, partially wanting to do homework....
I cried on the way home, but tried to hide it by chugging down my waterbottle every time I needed to keep back a burst of tears. I have never been so discouraged in my life. Right then and there I was ready to never go back again and just stop dancing all together. Of course I knew that would be suicide. I had this little pretty happy image in my head of me moving down here and starting studio classes 24-7 and improving so much in the next two years that I'd spend a few more years during college studying and getting really good, auditioning for so you think you can dance, and killing it, or at least having a chance of making it. And you know when you have something like that that you want so badly and in the back of your head you know it's completely unattainable, but still you think about it so much (and it really did consume my mind in the weeks before we moved) that it starts to look completely attainable and like, wow, it's really gonna happen. But man was that dream crushed during that car ride. I knew I had to challenge myself and ya if I wanted all that to happen then I was dumb to think I wouldn't have to go through some stuff like that, but I was just so embarrassed. I should have called Sue and asked her about the class since I took the class as an "examination" class where she would come to a conclusion about whether that is the right level for me, and I should have talked to her about it. But I haven't.
I haven't been back since.
After I got home I got straight in the shower, and for some reason I was strangely optimistic. I guess it was just the endorphins from excercising since I hadn't in a while, but it was better than crying, which I figured I'd be doing. I came to the conclusion that I had to go back and try another class, and I would pick up taking two classes a week until we could afford more, and I'd keep challenging myself and working out more at home until I got to the level of the other dancers. Two days ago, on thursday, I was supposed to go in and try another class. The lady who teaches it is, Sue said, more of an afro-modern dance kinda person. Which I thought would be really cool cuz I loooove afro-modern dance. It would be muuuch different than what I'm used to, and of course very challenging. But I told myself I was gonna make myself go. Then I hurt myself.
Mondays in PE we have to run/walk the mile. The teachers are dumb and they don't have us stretch before or after. So everyone's legs kill. I tried to stretch out my calfs a little cuz the last week my calves had really hurt afterwards and during the mile. But I didn't enough, cuz they hurt again afterwards. That night I woke up in the middle of the night with those kind of calf cramps you get where youre whole bottom leg seizes up and you can't move and the pain is excruuuutiating. The next morning I woke up and I could hardly walk. I tried stretching it and it could barely move at all. I could pretty much walk during the day though it was still super super tense. By wednesday night it was better, but I was still really worried about going to the class. The classes do alot of conditioning for the first like 30-45 minutes, and I really didn't want to hurt it more, cuz it still hurt really bad. My mom thought I was wimping out, but I was concerned. So, I didn't end up going. Now, Sue probably thinks I've wimped out and don't want to take classes and all the dancers are probably like what happened to the sucky new girl.
Great huh.
I plan on going back for another class this week. I don't think I wanna take Sue's monday class again just yet because I don't want to make myself a regular yet cuz I still want to check out a couple other studios. But I will probably go to the thursday one that I missed.
I will probably come home completely discouraged and eat loads of ice cream and whine to my friends about how much I suck and I'll never be good and I hate my life and I'll never make it and blah blah but whatever. I'm gonna make myself go. And it will be good. And I will be optimistic. And I will challenge myself every week no matter how much I don't wanna go. And I will improve. I will improve a ton. And I will take mia michael's class when it comes around. And then years from now when I am on SYTYCD I will say "hey mia michaels, remember when I took your class?" and she will say "yes I do, you were the worst one there." and I will say "Heck ya mia michaels but look at my freaking now." and she will say "you're bomb and I want you to come study with me and be my prodige."
And I will say "yes."
Another thing I was hoping is that there would be some people from buchanan there. I think a couple of them did. Sue kind of embarrassingly introduced me to some people but I don't remember their names and I don't remember what they look like. Though for some reason in two of my classes there's this girl that I think may have been there, cuz I feel like I recognize her from it, but then I also think maybe I just recognize her from class and just think that I recognize her from the dance class.... So I don't know. It's not like anyone's come up to me and been like "hey you were at that dance class"....
So still... I eat lunch alone....
in the library.
There's a really good studio here, called dance studio of fresno. They have tons of connections with Mia Michaels (my iidoooollll) and Tyce Diorio (second fave choreographer, next to mia michaels of course.). I freaked when I heard about that and I was like oh my gosh I've gotta go there. On the tuesday of my first week of school I went in and talked to the lady who owns it (who is like really good friends with mia michaels or something) and watched one of the classes. The lady who was teaching the class used to be mia michael's assistant and I think she was on so you think you can dance one time cuz she was like.... assisting her. Anyways, the class was hecka good. They were all like crazy good like on their way to so you think you can dance and stuff. I had heard that the studio has a competition contemporary team, and I was really interested in that and I wanted to audition cuz auditions were like the next week. But then the owner pointed out two people in the class who were on the team or were at the level of the team, and I was like oh crap. Cuz they were the best ones. I was super intimidated.
The next week, on thursday, I went in to try a class that was being taught by the owner (Sue). It was a jazz class, and I figured it would be really challenging, but oh man oh man oh man....
First of all, about two minutes into the warmup and I was dying. I hadn't danced in 3 weeks and I was totally not ready for that. I hadn't sweat that much since state season. Like 6 months ago. I seriously just wanted to cry. I looked completely retarded compared to some of the people in that class. Not to mention there was Mr. Ohhotdamn.
His name says it all.
Oh. Hot. Damn. I was in love. I'm just not gonna say his name... but I guess he was probably part black and he was HEEECKA good. He was like super talented and hilarious and he was like doing hip hop in the back of the line during across the floor and I was like ooooooooooh loooooorddyyyy....
I pretty much want to marry him.
But anyways, pretty much everyone in the class was super talented. To be honest I wasn't the worst off. There were two other girls that I thought, well heck, I've got to be at least better than them. But there were a few people where I was like holy crap you're like a million times better than everyone here...
Across the floor was embarrasing. Not everything we did I was completely clueless at, but some stuff I was an absolute fool. There was one move we did where only a few people did it amazing (Mr. Ohhotdamn being one of them...) and most people had a general idea, but then there was some of us (of course including me...) who were like what the heck my body doesn't move that way...
It was this thing that was like half way kind of like a barrel role and I don't know kind of like something else... But it was impossible.
Now, the class was supposed to end at 8:00, but since auditions for their competition teams were starting that weekend they had combined the 6:30 class and the 8:00 class and it was kind of like a class to prep them for auditions. Now I didn't know that that also meant they'd be going twice as long. After across the floor we started learning a variation that wasn't necessarily challenging technique wise, but it was fast and I was only picking up on the first half. Then it got into this turn sequence that ran into these backward runs that were kinda half grand jetes (which I am now obsessed with) and right before the turns is where I'd get lost. (Not to mention Mr. Ohhotdamn was behind me and I was hecka embarrassed...) Right as we were splitting into groups to run the variation I noticed it was 8:35, and I had hecka homework. Also I just wanted a reason to slip out early. I looked outside the door and my mom was there, and I saw my chance to wimp out. I told Sue I had to go and that I didn't know it was running later (which was true cuz I had hecka homework since I was still catching up on the first 3 weeks of school and I really should have gone anyways). She asked if I could just run through the variation once since my group was about to go but I thanked her and said no I have to go, but I would be back to take another class at another time. Yes, partially wimping out, partially wanting to do homework....
I cried on the way home, but tried to hide it by chugging down my waterbottle every time I needed to keep back a burst of tears. I have never been so discouraged in my life. Right then and there I was ready to never go back again and just stop dancing all together. Of course I knew that would be suicide. I had this little pretty happy image in my head of me moving down here and starting studio classes 24-7 and improving so much in the next two years that I'd spend a few more years during college studying and getting really good, auditioning for so you think you can dance, and killing it, or at least having a chance of making it. And you know when you have something like that that you want so badly and in the back of your head you know it's completely unattainable, but still you think about it so much (and it really did consume my mind in the weeks before we moved) that it starts to look completely attainable and like, wow, it's really gonna happen. But man was that dream crushed during that car ride. I knew I had to challenge myself and ya if I wanted all that to happen then I was dumb to think I wouldn't have to go through some stuff like that, but I was just so embarrassed. I should have called Sue and asked her about the class since I took the class as an "examination" class where she would come to a conclusion about whether that is the right level for me, and I should have talked to her about it. But I haven't.
I haven't been back since.
After I got home I got straight in the shower, and for some reason I was strangely optimistic. I guess it was just the endorphins from excercising since I hadn't in a while, but it was better than crying, which I figured I'd be doing. I came to the conclusion that I had to go back and try another class, and I would pick up taking two classes a week until we could afford more, and I'd keep challenging myself and working out more at home until I got to the level of the other dancers. Two days ago, on thursday, I was supposed to go in and try another class. The lady who teaches it is, Sue said, more of an afro-modern dance kinda person. Which I thought would be really cool cuz I loooove afro-modern dance. It would be muuuch different than what I'm used to, and of course very challenging. But I told myself I was gonna make myself go. Then I hurt myself.
Mondays in PE we have to run/walk the mile. The teachers are dumb and they don't have us stretch before or after. So everyone's legs kill. I tried to stretch out my calfs a little cuz the last week my calves had really hurt afterwards and during the mile. But I didn't enough, cuz they hurt again afterwards. That night I woke up in the middle of the night with those kind of calf cramps you get where youre whole bottom leg seizes up and you can't move and the pain is excruuuutiating. The next morning I woke up and I could hardly walk. I tried stretching it and it could barely move at all. I could pretty much walk during the day though it was still super super tense. By wednesday night it was better, but I was still really worried about going to the class. The classes do alot of conditioning for the first like 30-45 minutes, and I really didn't want to hurt it more, cuz it still hurt really bad. My mom thought I was wimping out, but I was concerned. So, I didn't end up going. Now, Sue probably thinks I've wimped out and don't want to take classes and all the dancers are probably like what happened to the sucky new girl.
Great huh.
I plan on going back for another class this week. I don't think I wanna take Sue's monday class again just yet because I don't want to make myself a regular yet cuz I still want to check out a couple other studios. But I will probably go to the thursday one that I missed.
I will probably come home completely discouraged and eat loads of ice cream and whine to my friends about how much I suck and I'll never be good and I hate my life and I'll never make it and blah blah but whatever. I'm gonna make myself go. And it will be good. And I will be optimistic. And I will challenge myself every week no matter how much I don't wanna go. And I will improve. I will improve a ton. And I will take mia michael's class when it comes around. And then years from now when I am on SYTYCD I will say "hey mia michaels, remember when I took your class?" and she will say "yes I do, you were the worst one there." and I will say "Heck ya mia michaels but look at my freaking now." and she will say "you're bomb and I want you to come study with me and be my prodige."
And I will say "yes."
Another thing I was hoping is that there would be some people from buchanan there. I think a couple of them did. Sue kind of embarrassingly introduced me to some people but I don't remember their names and I don't remember what they look like. Though for some reason in two of my classes there's this girl that I think may have been there, cuz I feel like I recognize her from it, but then I also think maybe I just recognize her from class and just think that I recognize her from the dance class.... So I don't know. It's not like anyone's come up to me and been like "hey you were at that dance class"....
So still... I eat lunch alone....
in the library.
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