Homesick and Halloween.

Halloween is a little over a week away. And what do I have planned? Nothing.

Usually I would spend halloween doing a bit of trick or treating even though, yes, I may be "too old." I say nay to that. But anyways, this year, is to be crap. It would be a perfect halloween this year if I was in Eugene since it's on a friday night, which means optimum hangout time. Me and rachel and holly and jordan and zoe and alex and william would probably go someplace random and do whatever random stuff we do until however late we felt like. But that will not be happening. Because I am 700 miles away.

Why don't I hang out with my new friends for halloween? Because I have none. I, Alyssa, have no friends. The only two friends I have in town go to another school, I've known them since I was born and my family is their family and their family is my family. But they actually have friends. Friends that they probably plan to hang out with on Halloween and dress up and have fun doing whatever. So I am not even going to mention halloween to them because their mom will make them feel obligated to invite me to spend halloween with them which none of us would enjoy since I don't know their friends and even if I did I probably wouldn't be friends with their friends since we are very different people. Yes me and them are very close, even though we are very different people, but I don't really think I want to spend my halloween trying to break the ice with a bunch of people I don't know who will probably look me up and down and say lyke omgz i have to pretend to like this girl? no offense to their friends, I'm sure they're perfectly fine people. But they will all be having a ton of fun because they are a close group of friends. and if I were them I wouldn't want to have to spend my halloween trying to make my out-of-state friend feel comfortable around my friends and visa-versa and trying to make the whole night un-awkward. Which if we were obligated into spending the evening together it would be guaranteed to be just that.

So, Halloween shall be spent alone. My dad will probably spend the days prior trying to get me to think of something fun we could do together on halloween, which I will decline. I will sit on the couch, eat candy, and watch a movie maybe, although then my dad would probably come and sit and watch it and try and bond and stuff. So maybe not. Watching a movie alone is depressing anyways, or at least in my circumstances. It would be like having a birthday party by yourself.

Loner.

So, obviously, I have yet to make friends. I have people I talk to during class and we're close during class (not an amigo closeness, but like the same closeness and hang-outness that you have with all the kids youve been going to school with for a while and are pretty chill with), I just wouldn't hang out with those people outside of class probably. I had high hopes of making friends at dance, but I've taken 6 classes already and I am just starting to talk once in a while during class with one or two people. The rest of them seem pretty set in their groups.

There are people I see at school who I think hey I could be friends with them, one of which I see every other day (due to evert-other-day block schedule), though she's not in any of my classes. We do have PE during the same period though so we're always in the locker room at the same time getting dressed down and dressed up. It's kind of a funny story actually since wherever we go we always see eachother. It's become a joke between us how whenever we turn around its like oh heeeeyy!! Nice to see you.. again!! But she's really nice, and we have a lot of really random stuff in common, which we figured out one day in a really wierd conversation that we found pretty funny, though you had to be there. She always says hi when we see eachother and she always asks how I am and I don't know I think we could be friends. It's just alot harder to try and become friends with someone in a new school when you don't have any classes together. I shall make it happen..

In dance there are some really nice people, and overall they seem pretty accepting. That's a good thing since that's not always the case. It's always wierd when you're in a studio together forever and it gets to be a pretty tight-knit group since you see eachother practically every day, and then all the sudden a new person comes in. So I'm thankful that they're nice to me, or at least some of them have made an effort to talk to me. One girl in paticular, who is a redhead which depresses me because Rachel is a redhead and I miss her like crazy, has been very nice to me. In class yesterday since the teacher wasn't there and the class was being directed by older students who serve as assistants, instead of learning a combo we were put in groups of 4 and made our own short little dances to Disturbia. I was put in her group (I really need to ask her her name on Thursday) and there were two other girls, one who I don't know and the other who I have talked to before and who seems nice. The redhead and I did all the choreographing, and she's really good at that because she's a very pretty dancer. She seemed genuinely interested in trying to be kind and accepting to me and getting to know me and we seem to get along and we talked for a moment after class and said our goodbyes. All I know is that she's a sophomore, but I don't know where she goes to school. I don't think she seems like a kid that goes to my school, and I haven't run into her, though that's no indicator since there's almost 3000 students at my huge school. Anyways, I think we'll either become good pals or pretty good amigos. Either way it's a nice thing to have so I'm not completely alone in this town.

The friending situation really is a problem though since I've been here for a month and a half. Whenever I tell people I have no friends (even after a couple weeks of being there) they are suprised and I feel like a complete loser because I can tell they're like oh what a poor girl. I'm not a complete social cripple I'm a perfectly fine person. It's just an especially hard experience and hard to step into someone's circle of friends and trust it's someone I can get along with when I'm so used to having such an incredibly tight-knit group of best best best friends. I hope it gets better.

I am also disgustingly homesick these days. I cried myself to sleep last night, only my second time crying since we moved I think (that's strange for me). I was mainly just thinking of my friends and how badly I just wanted to see their faces. It sounds strange, but people take for granted having friends they can see and sit with and just physically be around. Like I just want to see them and be able to touch their faces and know they'll always be there for me to see.

Whenever rachel gets really excited about something, she punches me in the arm really really hard and makes a really funny face and laughs and says "Alyssaaaa!!! oh my gosh I'm - so- exc-ited!", "Alyssaaaa!! That makes me soo-oo-ooo happy!!", "Alyssaaaa!! oh my gosh this is soo-oo-o goo-oo-ood!!" and she clenches and shakes her fists.
I miss being punched. I miss the sound of her voice and counting the millions of freckles on her arms and legs and face and how she always gets so excited when she notices a new cluster-colony of them, and she always wears her green running shorts, and sings disturbia.

Goodness I'm homesick.
I'm going through withdrawals, seeing peoples faces everywhere, dreaming about Eugene.

There is a possibility I will not be able to come up to Eugene for New Years.

And my mom might not let me come up in march to watch the dance team win state.

I can't last until summer to see their faces.
I honestly believe it is a matter of my mental health.
I cannot last until summer, I will not be mentally healthy by summer.